Positive Impact Living: sexual violence

Showing posts with label sexual violence. Show all posts

Sunday, 5 September 2010

The hypocrisy of democracy and capitalism and an exit strategy

My FB friend said 'I hate negativity' and I pointed out that as much as I agreed, it was an oxymoron as hate is negative. She then went onto say that it was intended as a statement against hypocrites! A valuable observation.

Sometimes on Facebook or here I will post subjects or perspectives that are negative; the suffering of others, of the earth is not a positive subject. I am angry against injustice. Again anger is not necessarily positive; it can be confrontational and immediately put people on the defensive if they think it is directed at them. When anger is directed at injustice, at a behaviour, or anger arising as frustration at the lack of options; is such anger negative or is it an opportunity for change, a powerful uprising of energy that can shift previously insurmountable obstacles.

I guess it depends on how it is used. Often we internalise it or project it onto others un-skillfully. How do we learn to USE it?

Some how I think society forces us to be hypocritical. It is very very hard these days to make original, unblemished choices that aren't affected some way by a multitude of things we don't all know about.

I speak out against violence against women - but I write on a laptop and speak on a phone made with coltan secured by the FDLR of the Congo; who rape women and children thus dominating local villages and scaring the men folk enabling them to retain possessions of the mines that provide the coltan/gold/metals in return for their weapons.

I eat food provided by oil driven transport, use clothing carried on it - in fact its hard to find anything untouched by oil - yet I speak out against the oil industry. We ask for ethical options and choices but they're often prohibitive.

You can only go organic/eco if you have land, time or the money. Not if you're forced to rent, living on credit or similar situations that apply to most of us. (Try co-housing/housing co-operatives/land trusts btw as a positive alternative)

I am angry at the hypocrisy that is forced upon us. Is anger always negative? Are we all submissive to a far greater hypocrisy that we are obliged to somehow disentangle ourselves from - is it possible to be free of it and to honestly have a free choice?

We can try. I'm sure it is measurable, our integrity? To know for sure we have to pare down how we relate with the world to actions that are clear and within our authority. We have to build positive relationships with others (who are also integrating in an ethical manner) that are the means for sustaining ourselves.

There is no option to choose being unsustainable - because ultimately that is finite. So the only choice is transitioning to being sustainable in all the ways this pertains - being nice to each other for one...

This is a truth, a fundamental - its like Gandhi's concept of Satyagraha or 'holding to the truth' that he defeated the British occupation of India with. Because the truth was - it was unjust. The truth of injustice, of the unsustainable and unethical are never hard to see all though I think there is a concerted effort whether it is intentional or not) to pool the wool over the eyes of the masses, of the general public as though we are so many sheep.

So on the back of that, of understanding we have a choice between injustice or justice, between the sustainable or unsustainable - we can stand firm and direct our wills in one direction; towards justice, sustainability and integrity.

Its about being human, not whatever identity we might narrow that field to; be it religion or nation or whatever; they might be our personal values, but in living together on this planet into the future, in making a better world those things are secondary. Life is a priority everyone's lives. Human rights were designed to stop the progression of prejudice into intolerable cruelty it's about time we learned to adhere to them.

The Memory Room

Where do you go to file a complaint against the government of France?

Why hasn't Omar Al Bashir been arrested? Er, I don...

Doing more than not enough

What does peace mean to you?

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Tuesday, 31 August 2010

The Memory Room

I have just finished reading this book The Memory Room by Mary Krakow. This was one of the books I was lucky to be given in Sheenalashay's Giveaway this month. The book is a powerful narrative in prose and poetry and weaves some of the words of Paul Celan's poetry particularly his poem Todesfuge or Deathfugue; John Felsteiner's translation is shown below and you can hear Paul Celan reading his work in the Youtube video underneath.

Mary Rakow describes the healing journey of a woman who has suffered indescribable torments at the hands of her parents as a child. Throughout you see painted the will with which a child attempts to both preserve their life and their sense of goodness, sanity and humanity. My conclusion immediately upon finishing was that we do not say No to suffering as forcefully as we should and that there should be nothing ambiguous about our response to violence.
Her character 'Barbara' seeks and creates solace in places and things where she can find some semblance of safety away from all the reminders of the harrowing moments that have been etched into her memory and her existence. At one point she describes it as 'A basket lined with memory like pitch' and in returning to a favourite place of refuge near an image of St Michael she writes '...Evil can be overcome. Again, I ask, until I believe you may I rest beside your leather shoe.' Such a beautiful embodiment of that feeling, of the desire in us to believe we can thwart such violence against our and other's being, juxtaposed with our utter helplessness that all violence renders upon its victims.

Gradually with the help of a patient therapist we see her begin to emerge as a whole person, piecing together her psyche. 'I did not know until then what a barn coming out of winter could smell like... I thought for sure I heard tulips underground discuss the time of their appearing.'

She is startled and undone by the weave of fabrics or certain compositions of music that she associates with devastating horror. Yet at the same time it is art, and music that provides a refuge, and an answer to humanity's eternal question. We ask why are we, but equally this book asks why are we as we are? And crucially can we be any different? She writes 'This is my goal that my memories become like Monet's Waterlilies. Soft brushstroke and bold. Ivory pink and a hundred shades of blameless blue.'

We are led with her as she regains memories long buried and with good reason, and struggles to lay them to rest. We learn about the unspoken violence that others have suffered, remained silent about and remained damaged by as a result. 'Dolores Mary is seventy years old. For half a century she has had night lights burning in every room'

Mary Krakow writes so beautifully it undermines you, in the sense of being mined beneath the solidity of your own psyche; of having your perspectives stolen and remoulded, deepened and enlarged with profound yet simple sentences and subtle prose. We see her character search for meaning and answers through other real people who have searched and not found answers, at least not answer that would allow them to continue living. We are highly sensitised to the suffering of others through Barbara's anguish, her collecting of news clippings and understanding of the devastation of violence and abuse in childhood.

It really allows you to look through new eyes, and yet in a way soothes you as Barbara soothes herself with rhyme and couplet, empathy and the random acts of kindness of neighbours and loved ones who though they may not understand; try and in their trying unwittingly become modest heroes. Sometimes heroism is implied by what you do not do and have not done.

My conclusion that 'we do not say "No" to suffering as forcefully as we should and that there should be nothing ambiguous about our response to violence' was very clear upon finishing this book. I thought a moments silence; you almost want to hold the book like a ship in a bottle out before you and wonder at it and then I thought we do not say No to suffering as forcefully as we should.

Here is a desperate clinging in to humanity for hope and to make sense of existence. As Elie Wiesel says'‎...Despair is not an answer despair is a question... I believe in the humanity of the human being, I have problems with God - that's because I believe in God, if I stopped believing in god I would have no problems, but I do believe and therefore I have problems and I go on... ‎If I was alone totally alone I would have the right to give into despair - but I am not alone and therefore I have no right to give into despair, I must.. to quote Camut 'I must invent hope where there is none' Not for my sake but for the sake of the children' ' Elie Wiesel

It is also for ourselves that we must 'invent hope' whether it be found in Art, Music or companionship. Or in acts of a generous nature assisting those who are not free, or do not have the means to fulfil their potential - to do so.

It dwells much on the purpose of life, on the human condition. Buddhism describes our human birth as implicitly entwined with suffering and yet it equally describes a pure unadulterated awareness beyond this that is not maligned by any labels of good or bad, of this or that.

We are all of us reeling from so many wrongs. Born into childhoods of suffering or growing up into such moments. We all of us will face loss, we have changes in our fortune. Sometimes we meet people, who assist us in our understanding, who give us tools with which we may arm ourselves against suffering or which help us overcome injustice. Here is a book that does both these. It demands you to be stronger, gentler, long sighted and yet acutely present. You cannot read this and not glimpse some of the finest qualities of humanity outlined as they are against a bare skyline of atrocity and condemnation. They are bleak those places we must attend to in order to heal. You must sift through them for answers. Auschwitz exists as a memorial, people go there almost as an act of pilgrimage - a search for answers and yet survivors will tell you - there are no answers there only more questions.

Yet this state of disbelief, of ambiguity, of shock and questioning leads directly to the abuse and deaths of innocents. We need to be decisive; to say NO to suffering. To show our unwillingness to allow such events to unfold. If necessary we should have a ready willingness to risk our lives to curtail it. We know now the many routes it can take to come into existence; negligence, neutrality, sitting on a fence, not committing oneself, taking sides, not taking sides, silence and time. Silence and time are two of the most damaging precursors to an act of violation. If we do not know we must find out... If we do know, we must not hide behind our belief that we are inadequate to effect change. Or that do not know enough. Injustice often wears a disguise and we must have eyes to see through such disguises.

Silence and time.

We have on our side history, freedom of speech, law, an emerging international community, the ability to communicate immediately and to record what is happening.
We have pitfalls; isolation, the dismembering of the family, of traditional communities, economic segregation. We have heroes - everywhere. They speak up, they shout, the join together as powerful people. We have laws to be undone, and new laws to create that will serve rather than force us into servitude.

This then is our work. To offer great ease of suffering where we can. To find out our path in this. Whether you read a piece like Rakow's, or write it; or are in it suffering like Barbara, or you are seeing it unfold before your eyes; two enemies we all share are silence and time. Must we always see violence from the other side after it has been committed? Or can we pre-empt this with far-sightedness?

I think we can live in this world together, without violence, but instead raising each other up. A peaceful world is possible, there are examples of peace everywhere, you simply have to look for them. People are healing and helping each other to heal.
People are caring for all kinds and all creatures. It is possible that we can start living in a peaceful world but only if we acknowledge the holocausts of the present the Deathfugue that sounds out all around us in conflict, violence, human trafficking, environmental degradation. Is the application of human rights only for those who economically qualify? The only rule for having your human rights respected should be that you are human. Those who have been without such rights such as Elie Wiesel know full well their value 'I felt really elated; I had never had a passport in my life. In France I was stateless. And here in America finally I became a citizen, I cannot tell you what I felt really. I felt so proud. The highest honorus I received at the Universities was nothing compared to that I had a passport. For those that are already in America they take it for granted but for a refugee it means something.' As we know, a child has the least rights of anyone and this is why such horrible stories as Rakow recounts can unfold; we must be attentive to the needs of the child and above all listen to them.

We can continue in our present form of prejudice, or we can move towards an enlightened society that does not distinguish one human from another based on nationality or social standing etc We need to become socially, culturally, environmentally and economically sustainable. Just as Mary Rakow's character had to find a way and a reason to heal and continue living, we must do the same as a society and we can only do this together.

Todesfuge or Deathfugue

Black milk of daybreak we drink it at evening
we drink it at midday and morning we drink it at night
we drink and we drink
we shovel a grave in the air there you won't lie too cramped
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Margareta
he writes it and steps out of doors and the stars are all sparkling, he whistles his hounds to come close
he whistles his Jews into rows has them shovel a grave in the ground
he commands us to play up for the dance.

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at morning and midday we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Margareta
Your ashen hair Shulamith we shovel a grave in the air there you won't lie too cramped

He shouts jab the earth deeper you lot there you others sing up and play
he grabs for the rod in his belt he swings it his eyes are so blue
jab your spades deeper you lot there you others play on for the dancing

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday and morning we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margareta
your aschenes Haar Shulamith he plays his vipers
He shouts play death more sweetly this Death is a master from Deutschland
he shouts scrape your strings darker you'll rise then as smoke to the sky
you'll have a grave then in the clouds there you won't lie too cramped

Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday Death is a master aus Deutschland
we drink you at evening and morning we drink and we drink
this Death is ein Meister aus Deutschland his eye it is blue
he shoots you with shot made of lead shoots you level and true
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margarete
he looses his hounds on us grants us a grave in the air
he plays with his vipers and daydreams der Tod ist ein Meister aus Deutschland

dein goldenes Haar Margarete
dein aschenes Haar Shulamith

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Tuesday, 25 May 2010

My personal map of Close Encounters with Sexual Violence

(Warning this might make for uncomfortable reading)

I was wondering why I had low self esteem…

My Best Friend was raped at school. Her mother was also raped as a girl.

My other BF was molested by a gardener as a small child.

My other BF’s sister was raped while on holiday.

My mum’s BF was molested and beaten as a child. Her daughter was gang raped before she left school and abused by her nephew. Her other daughter became a prostitute and drug addict.

My friend at school was raped by older boys - she was twelve years old.

My ex-landlord’s friend’s husband had an affair with her BF and killed her and violated her post mortem.

Another of my landlords thought it was OK to walk around in only a t-shirt and play with himself while talking to the new tenants - all girls who didn’t stay long living in the spare rooms of his house.

My other BF was raped by old men when she was a child. Her nephew was prostituted and raped by a paedophile.

My other friend was molested as a baby, beaten by her father and neglected by her mother.

My ex-girlfriend was molested by her brother.

My great aunt was raped by her uncle. My Nan was almost molested by the same uncle. He had raped a woman on tour of duty in South Africa and when her son came to protect her, my Nan’s uncle threw his boot at him and killed her son. My Nan’s mum and aunt knew about him but tolerated it because he helped ‘pay the rent’. My Nan was sexually assaulted by the school caretaker – she left school as soon as she could at 13years old.

I was groped in a nightclub (who hasn’t been?) I was raped by a so called friend while in the middle of a campsite in the early hours of the morning. The next time I saw him he smiled and waved. I was raped by another friend I put up in my room for a few days because he was down on his luck. I was raped by two guys I met who wanted to ‘help’ me when I was in difficult situations. I was sold out while travelling by two so called ‘friends’ I met whom I ‘trusted’. People ask me why I don’t remember my childhood. I tell them I don’t know why I don’t remember my childhood because I don’t remember it.

I had to write all this down because it was driving me nuts.

If you think porn is OK, ask yourself the question what else does it say is OK? If you think prostitution is a chosen profession ask yourself why someone’s esteem would be so high that they would ‘choose’ to get ****** by complete strangers who pay to be able to do whatever they want.

If you think that ‘it’ happens because she was ‘gagging’ for it. I am telling you that she wasn’t, isn’t and won’t ever be. She is not ‘gagging’ for it – she is gagged. Her self-respect as a woman has been so trampled by our culture that she can no longer speak or decide what is and isn’t ‘OK’ until a long time after it’s already happened and maybe never.

It is not shameful to be a woman who is silent. It is shameful to be a man who doesn't say anything.

As a culture our self esteem is so low, we are sinking and even the sea is rising to cover us. Our culture is one of supply and demand. To answer the question ‘Why is human -trafficking so high?’ ask yourself ‘Who do you know that’s buying and creating the demand?’

Probably you know someone and if you do what will you do about it?

Only one abuser on this list has been convicted and sentenced …

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Friday, 30 April 2010

'A beautiful mess inside'

So today I wanted to share some before during and after pics of me. Because they show better than I can the impact of trauma. Autoimmune problems like eczema, asthma, fibromyalgia often plague survivors; I have had chronic fatigue since as well and have had to get help from alternative medicine to get better as unless I was dying western medicine couldn't help. I have since learned to eat more raw foods, herbs and use exercises to balance my system and you can email me if you wish to know more. I also went for Tibetan acupuncture - I would definitely advise these ancient traditions for such chronic problems as survivors of trauma have - they will be able to help heal you. It's not just about suppressing the symptoms.

However I have had such disassociation as a result of various things in my life that I didn't even know it - I just lived out the results of it; spontaneous crying at unnecessary moments, finding ordinary things completely stressful, having an imminent death expectation most of the time. It's almost impossible to explain these things to friends or relatives when you're in them and only other survivors can understand, although I think relatives can do a lot to self educate.

If you have witnessed your loved one struggle through any trauma, or know or suspect that such things have happened I think the greatest thing you can do is consider them as remaining in a state of distress - because they are. Also the younger a child is - like when they're brain is forming below the age of 4 the more entrenched trauma damage will be, it literally alters your brain chemistry - your amygdala. The reactions that allowed you to survive prolonged unpredictable stress then become habitual, consequently when faced with everyday stress the wrong reactions surface; you freeze, you switch off, you shut down, you fight, you run. The normal psychological consideration of whether or not something is a stress isn't there because you're hyper reactive - this is why survivors are often great in an emergency, but fall apart when its a daily, or weekly decision that's necessary.

Also the older they get the more likely they are to shut down and isolate; they cease to be able to make decisions and this is very true for me. I am just now learning to step back from my immediate stress reaction and try and be objective. It's like being objective in a barrage, with missiles raining down on your head. Or being objective while a volcano is erupting inside - it's difficult - tremendously so. It doesn't help that your amygdala, wrongly reading the stress as life threatening is shooting off one way traffic into the reasoning part of your brain saying 'FIGHT' or 'RUN' or 'DON'T MOVE'. There's no way for you to tell it 'IT'S OK'. That's the survival mechanism the very same one that means you're still here in the first place.

It's the same as the mechanism that allows you to forget. If you remembered every bad thing at once you wouldn't be able to handle it, so your brain filters and fogs them until you can process them until you can accept them. This is why people with trauma lash out, forget, seem distant - they're not present. So you can start to pick up on these symptoms. Most people are left completely flummoxed by their loved one's reactions unless they remember they're traumatised. With a little kindness, warmth and attention or space a survivor will relax and will then be approachable - but without it they might explode! Also they often don't know why they're like it unless they've learned to recognise the symptoms themselves. Don't judge them - it is not an excuse to be badly behaved, but many of us have considered these symptoms as part of our personality and felt tremendous shame and guilt because of our behaviour towards others, or our distance. The good news is when a survivor gets a handle on what's happened to them in their life they can create a buffer between their habitual reactions and the triggers - they are after all masters at adapting.

I'm not sure where I'm at but I know I'm getting there and I hope you do too. The sooner the better. And I hope there is beautiful for you..