Friday, 2 April 2010

Losing self - finding self

I got lost. I got very lost. So many things coming through my life. So many ideas - some dreams coming true, some seemingly so far ahead and out of reach; I wonder if I'll ever get there. And inside my mind it's like music's playing, so many instruments, and different melodies, but then there are only these minutes in front of us to hold it all. The minutes go past so fast, and maybe a few things have gotten done, perhaps none of what you set out to do. So few of us have time to think about what we're doing or why we're doing it, or where we're going. And before you know it the days are flying behind you and your dreams, well, maybe some of them have come true. Maybe you didn't dream high enough or hard enough. Maybe you never believed you could even have a dream. Sometimes it is enough to be alive and breathing this pure air, and leave the dreaming to others.

Sometimes I think we are the dream, dreaming of itself. All of it is so substantial and yet when we sink into sleep it all becomes vapourless, insubstantial, like time, and invisible putting together and disappearing of moments. So people collect together, and objects, animals, the majestic overlay of weather and sky, of light and dark, sound picks up and wraps around, food completes and solidifies. All these things and more come together and this we call our reality. Our dreaming that has beckoned us from a sleep we cannot remember falling into - a memorylessness.

I am part of it the remembering and the forgetting. All these precious eyes that have looked at me. If only I could remember. If only they stayed there all ways. I never want to forget any of it. None of them. I love cuddles, I love holding on so tight, it's as though there's never a letting go. Life has moments added one to another; so many cuddles, so much sleeping, so much eating; all that. And here am I pursuing some moments of my own making; trying to craft a vehicle that will carry me forward that will create wonderful dreams out of all this meandering through the elements of the universe.

I'm looking for some certainty, to reach solid ground. To know, I can remember. To hope that at the end of it all, something greater came of it, yet that implies this wasn't good enough. This life of mine, these moments strung together like so many stones carved and hewn and polished and put upon one's neck. And this life of mine is so good,so very very good. I can hardly bear thinking about its passing. I have so enjoyed the revolutions of it, how my heart beats on waking, and my breathing slows with tiredness on sleeping. How lovely are the people I meet in it. How great the laughter has been. What beautiful sunrises among the mists of mornings, when I woke to the sound of birds singing, the rain on the roof. And the sunsets, with a warm mug of tea, sitting by a fire, on a beach listening to the sea rolling in and out, breathing.

If you have done it right, I think; made peace with yourself. Met yourself half way, forgiven yourself when you let you down.

If you have applied your love equally and generously and stepped in to help when others tired. If you carried more than your share when you could, and yet could give up your burdens with gratitude when someone else offered to take them. Well I think maybe you have done alright. I think you have done alright, even if you don't know what's going to happen. Even if you never solve the puzzle that is intrinsic to our existence, I think it's probably OK, someone else has somewhere; somebody somewhere knows even if we don't. Maybe, if we get a chance to look back, a rare luxury; maybe we can say to the rest who are following 'It's OK, don't worry so much, take a breather now and then to look about you, see what's in your life, see how you can brighten it up for the ones behind you, struggling along the same path called life.' It can after all be a tough journey, too tough for some of us. Many of us never make it to the point where we expire because we really have gone past our sell by date. We are lucky if we can smile,, if we can laugh, if we can shake off and forget our troubles for the briefest of moments. There are many many things to count as precious, to find value in, and they are not always the things you expect. Luckiest of all, is being loved. And because that is so true, it is good if you can love what's before you and around you. If being loved is the greatest possession you can ever hope to have - then loving is the greatest gift. No matter where you are in life, at the beginning or the end, you have an infinite capacity to love. Whether you are tired or grumpy, hungry or full, pained or comfortable, rich or broke, the ability to feel love is always there.

Being for others is always available.

What does that mean? Being for others?

I think of the people who inspire love in me, who make me feel loved by the way they are, who cause love to trigger in and overflow out of me. Sometimes moments do it; the ridiculous antics of animals, or someone's eyes when they're loving something they're doing, or the timbre of someone's voice.

How different is the sound of the one you love's voice, and those voices that jar our nerves and make you want to leap under a duvet. And, how our voices can change between the two when we're forgetting. I'd like to know what it would sound like, if there were no jarring sounds; if everything felt loved one day, all at the same time. If even the street under your feet was feeling loved as you walked on it. Almost as if everything got that little bit of attention and validation it craved. 'You are important, you are. You areloved. You are important in my life because you are here. In this fleeting moment that has come and gone already. All of our lives touched and met at the juncture of these words. Who am I to belittle it. What a moment... what a magnificent moment. How special this strange little place has become. I am hoping in the quiet of this night, that I might find a bit of peace, something that eludes me when I'm rushing from one thing to another. The only peace it seems, that I can truly find, is the kind that never leaves you - it's always there; it's a sense of completion and of timelessness. It says... even in the middle of something when everythings hanging full of beginnings and endings and not-quite-there-yets, don't-quite-know-for-sures, it says it's all done already, don't be afraid, everything is just as it should be, everything is fine.

Because we don't see the big picture. We can't see how our being in a place determines the outcome for everyone; for the future, and makes our yesterdays meaningful. It all depends on where we are at, but more importantly - how we are at. Most of us, are never really there at all - we're always trying to escape. Looking for distraction, looking away, missing the beauty that's sitting right in front of us. Missing our life's purpose... I mean, how is that possible? How can you miss your life's purpose. You can't, it showed up right there with you the day you were born. You were fulfilling it as you sat in the arms of your parents, and wherever you're sitting now, however it is - whether you think it is horrible or lacking, marvellous or crazy - well, it's all done already. The not knowing is just part of the surprise, this struggle and struggling is just unwrapping the gift paper. The present is when we realise it. We finally look up and go 'Oh - this is the present. This is it, right here, right now.

Right now, we get to be. How incredible is that!

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Copyright 2010 Louise Brookes


Anonymous said...


Louise Brookes said...

Hui Ping Hui Ping said above...
'I love those who make their virtues as their own goals or fixed'

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